Julie King

Spurningar og svör frá Sli.Do

Q1: How can we work with feelings and recognition of them with a large and diverse group of students without working with each one?

I wish I had more details, because how you might manage a large group of students with feelings will depend on the specifics! The general principle is to connect with the students and acknowledge their feelings.

If some students are excited by the next activity, for example, and some are grumbling about it, you can acknowledge both feelings. "I know some of you were hoping to do the hands-on science experiment now, and are disappointed that we have to practice for the school assembly.... And some of you are excited to practice for the assembly...."

If you have an individual student who is in distress (and the rest of the class is ready to learn), you can show understanding by writing a short note, or putting a hand on the child's shoulder, as you move the rest of the class forward.

If you are able to establish a relationship with individual students, they will most likely be more patient and flexible in the larger group, and more open to your support when they have hard feelings. You don't have to wait until a child is upset before connecting! I know of some teachers who stand by the door and welcome each student into the classroom with a choice of a hug, a high-five, or a bow. You might look for opportunities during work time to connect with students. Do you have a "student of the week"? If so, use that as an opportunity to meet with each student and get to know them as individuals.

And sometimes you simply won't be able to acknowledge feelings. You can acknowledge this! "I know that we have several classmates who are disappointed about the new schedule. We don't have time to talk about it now." If it's something you can come back to at a later time, mentioning that will help. "Let's revisit this question on Thursday, when we'll have time after lunch."

Q2: How can we help children to see the positive in situations, instead of mostly seeing the negative?

Here's what is perhaps counterintuitive about helping children see the positive. The more I refuse to acknowledge what they see as negative, the more they will insist on what is negative, elaborate the details, and focus on the negative, trying to convince me that what they consider bad or undesirable is indeed bad or undesirable.

Let's say, for example, that you planned to take the class on a field trip to the local hands-on science museum, but for reasons outside your control the trip has been postponed (maybe the bus broke down this morning, so you've had to reschedule the trip, and the first date you could get is in two months). A lot of the students are very disappointed -- they've been looking forward to this trip for weeks! They did a lot of planning (remembering signed permission slips! studying the map of the museum to plan out the trip so they don't miss the best parts), they studied about electricity, and the physics of motion, and were excited to be going to the museum. When they find out the trip is postponed, they start moaning and complaining.

You may be tempted to focus on the positive. "Look on the bright side. We have become experts at planning together, and we've learned a lot about electricity and motion. And now we have more time to learn about magnets, too!"

But if you don't first acknowledge the tremendous disappointment that we can't go today, you're cheerful attitude is likely to be met with "I don't care about magnets. I don't want to have to remember another permission slip. I want to go today!"

You might worry that by acknowledging the negative, your students will feel even more upset. But the opposite is likely true. When you acknowledge, "Boy, this is so disappointing. We've been looking forward to this field trip for weeks! It's going to be hard to have to wait another two months!" the students will not feel the need to convince you that they are unhappy. They will not feel wrong or alone in their feelings.

Once they feel heard and understood, you can move them on to more positive thoughts. "How can we make the best of a disappointing situation?" "Is there anything at all good about postponing the trip?" You can share how you deal with this sort of disappointment.

If we deny negative feelings, they don't go away. They may get buried, but they will resurface, often at inconvenient times! If we acknowledge the negative feelings, it becomes easier for children (and adults!) to process them and move on.

Q3: What should accompany the recognition of a feeling? "I see you're feeling bad..." - What next? How can we help the child continue with the day or follow up?

There's an art to figuring out how long a child needs to process a difficult feeling before being ready to move on. In my experience, adults are often ready to "get on with the day" sooner than a child who has experienced great disappointment or sadness. It's tricky, because you can't simply tell a child to "get over it" or "move on." Those sorts of messages will often drive a child deeper into their distress, because on top of the distress itself, they are now alone in their feelings, and they may feel bad about themselves because they're being told they shouldn't feel the way they feel.

Try it for yourself: Imagine you are heading into an important staff meeting when you're notified that your dearest friend was just killed in an auto accident. You burst into tears! Your colleagues try to comfort you, asking what happened, empathizing with the shock and the sadness of the news. But after a few minutes, one colleague says to you, "Okay, that's enough, we have to move on, the meeting is starting. Your friend is dead, there's nothing you can do about it, you have to let it go and move on."

Do you move on? How well will you focus on the meeting agenda? I imagine you might be feeling even more distress, and alone in your sadness. Even if you try to fake it during the meeting, chances are you'll have a hard time focussing on the "important" issue.

While a child's distress over having lost a pencil or being excluded from a playground game at recess might not seem to rise to the level of a death of a friend, it's important to remember that these experiences can be deeply distressing to a child. Telling them to forget about it is unlikely to help them.

Of course, this can be a dilemma for a teacher who must move on with the class, or any adult who doesn't have the time to sit with a child!

Here's what you can do in this sort of situation: acknowledge both the child's intense feelings, and your need to move on. "This is a hard situation. It's so disappointing that [name the situation here]. You didn't expect that to happen! ... I need to start the math lesson with the rest of the class." Then you can offer a choice or put the child in charge, if appropriate. For example, "Take a moment to catch your breath / sip some water / get a tissue, and join us when you're ready."

If the difficulty that the child is having has to do with what comes next -- say, for example, the child doesn't want to go to music class -- you can acknowledge the child's feelings, state the problem, and invite the child to think of a solution. "You really don't like to go to music class. If it were up to you, there would be no music class at all. ... The problem is, you can't stay here while the rest of the students are in music class. ... What could we do to make music class less unpleasant?" Depending on why the child doesn't like music class, you might be able to come up with some ideas. Is the music too loud? Offer the child earplugs or headphones or a chair farther back in the room. Is the problem that the child's seat neighbor is kicking her chair? Offer to rearrange the seating.

If you can't come up with an idea that will make the class more appealing, or you don't even have time to discuss what might work, you can at least acknowledge the student's feelings: "I know you wish you didn't have to go to music class. ... It's time to go. While you're there I'll be knowing it's not your favorite thing to do at all!" And then if at all possible, look for another time when you can discuss the problem with this student, and brainstorm some ideas for next time.